A Story

Greetings to the people reading this. I'm AdrenaVeris, or Mei. Most of you know me as a K-on fanficiton writer. Some of you have conversed with me using PMs, review replies, or the notes and comments on DA. That's probably the extent most people know of me. Perhaps I've come off as a distant person, maybe because of the way I talk, but I suppose I am rather private about myself in spite the few facts I've shared publicly.

Either way, most of you probably don't know much about me, especially about how precious these fanfics are to me. Some people may wonder why I am being so solemn about mere fanfics, but let me tell you these fanfics meant so, so much more than just some words plastered onto pages.  

And so, I'm going to tell you a story.

When I first came to this website and signed up for an account back in August 2010, my intention was to share my ideas in the form of fanfics. I was sixteen, nearing seventeen then, so perhaps that was reason I love K-on so much. I can really relate to the girls. Even though it's been labeled as a simple show without a plotline, or just some moeblob anime, it has many subtle yet deep wisdom and emotional pull. At least, that's how I perceived it.

I had many ideas, all vague and floating. However, after reading a short doujin my senpai, Athyra, had drawn, I was inspired to write my very first story on FFN. Almost overnight, No, Thank You was completely outlined. There was a rush of excitement, as if I were to embark on an adventure where the destination was unknown. After lots of encouragement, I took the first step in spite of my less than stellar writing skills.

And so everything began. I've made a commitment to FFN and my fanfics as a writer pen-named AdrenaVeris.

I did not expect the story to receive such attention and positive reviews. The readers were all very nice and encouraging, which made me want to write even more to express my gratitude for their supports. I have always been told that I stare into space a lot, daydreaming. With this form of outlet for my floating ideas, I was finally able to obtain a tangible product for these musings.

With the help of coffee, I've written oneshots, the prologue of Spiral, and constructed a coherent plotline for Blood Moon. Eventually, I've finalized Spiral's outlines after Chord1.

While both NTY and Spiral took a lot of planning, Spiral encroached a completely different territory, one I was quite unfamiliar with. Not only were there explicit sex scenes, there were also complex psychology and symbolism that I painstakingly researched upon. I was proud of the details within that story, especially after all the effort I've invested.

Of course, NTY required just as much care. As the first story I've ever published, I was quite protective of it and wanted to nurture it the best I could. However, I was unsatisfied with the way I delivered the plotline. I needed more feedback. And that was when I met ghikiJ who, eventually, became my beta. Through her help and fair and thorough feedbacks, I was able to improve upon the diction and grammar. Thus, I sincerely thank her for everything she's done for my stories and me. Athyra-senpai as well, for her wonderful artworks and supports. Without her, AdrenaVeris would have never came into existence.

As months went by as well as my 17th birthday, it felt like I've moved up a stage both metaphorically and, well, chronologically. I've written several more oneshots. The progress was great, the muse was flowing, and everything seemed to be going perfectly.

Then, around mid-March, something abruptly happened and I had to go through surgery. This event, aside from severely affecting my personal life, definitely affected my writing schedule. To recover and get back to the mindset, I had to go through quite a long period of nothingness, that there was not any productivity whatsoever.

It was at this point I first thought about leaving FFN. I did not have the confidence I'd be able to pick up the pace and return to the way things were.

In the end though, I decided to stay. It was not fair to the readers, the stories nor myself. And so, in a way, writing became my hope. It may sound dramatic, but it truly was the one way I was most comfortable with to regain my routine life. Surprisingly, or perhaps not, Dyad7 was written while I was in the hospital. During this time, I've become more active on deviantart and made several good friends. It was fun and heartwarming to see and actually get to know the people who supported me.

Months went by, and I became involved in a collaboration project that eventually led to the current TBK - The Bell Keeper. It was not a smooth path to achieve this final form. Before it, the makings of the prototype were filled with drama, there were disagreements and discontentment, but there had been just as much fun too. Yet, unfortunately, things gradually fell apart. While I regret losing friendship with some of the people, it was better that things actually happened this way. Had it continue any longer, something uglier would have occurred and I certainly don't want that.  

In general, I approach issues passively, as neutrally as possible in order to resolve problems peacefully and quickly. Peace is something I seek, especially on FFN where I share these fanfics. I publish something, and people can read it if they're interested, and perhaps even leave a comment on how they think or even share feedback. It was simple.

Between schoolwork, family matters and university applications, and occasional pain, I was proud to be able to continue writing my fanfics and contribute to TBK as well. There were still readers supporting me, and that was more than enough. My 18th birthday went by, and it really hit me how much time had already passed. It made me look back on these months and appraise how I've grown both as a person and a writer.

Then, March came again. An accursed month for me it seemed, but it came to my attention that my name had been used in controversial review pages, which made me quite uncomfortable. Like I said above, I prefer staying in the background and enjoy my peace. Therefore, after pondering over the matter, I decided to raise people's attention to a certain ongoing issue in the fandom and attempted to explain my position, so people will not assume things.

I will proclaim right here that the people involved in issue did not intend for things to get out of hand. We have already discussed this matter. There was misunderstanding, that was all. I just wanted to express my stance to the public (aka readers, people lurking on the side, etc).

However, this is like opening Pandora's Box. In the midst of attempting to resolve the above issue, a kind stranger had informed me something extremely shocking. It has nothing to do with the above issue or the people, but I am grateful that because of my little announcement, someone actually came forward to inform me the following event.

Apparently there was an imposter going after some reviewers of my stories, sending them messages that appalled me to no end. Here was the sample:


Sup ** tron here, delete me if you dare, I'll just keep posting the same thing for the last bit of smarts you got left in your head.
So, while I am no author, I've been lurking around studying many of the reviews on my stories.

But ** there are brain cells I will never see again after glancing at the half of your reviews.

I suppose I have to blame my daredevil attitude here, for even clicking on your comments after reading those select few setences of your gay ** reviews. They are ** and re-define the true meaning of ** for me. I had to ** cool my ** down for some time to stop swearing so I can write this.

To think, those reviews of yours come out of your ** ** mind. Rereading your reviews brought me back to hell, so I will put some (very wasted) effort.

1. I know non-native english speakers who write better. And you know what? If even a smidget of effort is put forth, the atrocious grammar won't damage the eyes. I feel none of your effort.

2. Go to hell, for any amount of braincells you have left will be gone after you finish deciphering what I have to say.

3. You know what, writing this makes me angry again. So ** that.

Not helpful at all is it? Apparently someone needs to speak at your level so you can ** understand and since I've already lost quite a lot of braincells, I took up the job.


It made absolutely no sense to me.

Why?

Just why? What was this imposter's purpose?

Even though it didn't sound like me at all, the rudeness was antagonizing enough so perhaps the unfortunate targets now harbored ill thoughts towards me and grew resentful of my stories. It was just a sample message after all, so I did not know the full extent of all this or if anyone else received the same thing. From what I understood, this had been going on for some time already, maybe even spreading nasty rumors all behind my back, in private messages, so I cannot defend myself.

Again, I wonder. Why? Why would someone do something like this? For what? To stop people from reading my stories? Why? To hurt me? Why?

Had my stories been causing unhappiness? How?

I feel like I've been blind all this time. Is there really discontentment about me or, rather, AdrenaVeris, that I really hadn't seen? What is it? I don't understand what's going on anymore.

Is it because of this so-called 'popularity'? There's a saying that 'drama comes with fame'. I came to FFN to write in peace, yet it seems that there are some unknown people out there who wanted to drag me out of my comfort, private space.

Am I overreacting? Should I just ignore this? I tried not to think much about it, because I think it was just this one person doing this. However, I also wondered if there were other people doing the same thing as this imposter. While I should not care so much about this kind of aggressive behavior, I do. I really care, knowing something so vicious is happening out there, somewhere. It has impacted my stories. It hurt me.

There is now a taint I cannot scrub off.

My mind is blank. I have feelings too after all. I do not like making a fuss, that's why I never mentioned events such as the surgery until months later. It's a private matter after all.

However, the accumulating stress compelled me to finally speak out. I don't know what to think or do anymore. I've become quite uncertain about the validity of information or whom I can trust.

Either way, after thinking about it all night, I've reached a conclusion. Perhaps it's better I just …try to take a breather. I've always intended to make an announcement about my possible hiatus in the future, because I'll be entering university and thus have lesser time to write, but it was definitely supposed to be on a more light-hearted tone.

I want to resolve this imposter issue as soon as possible. If anyone has information about this so-called imposter, please do contact me, preferably through DA. Hopefully, it's understandable that I do not want completely trust FFN at the current moment, but I will still try to check my account

It's been fun, I truly cherish memories of the good times, but I'm weary of spending so much effort and sacrificing certain things only to reach this end. I'm growing tired of defending myself against something I never did and know nothing about. It saddens and pains me, but I will take my leave for now and end this little story.

Perhaps a new chapter will start some day in the future?

Thank you for reading this to the end. It's ironic that one of Spiral's themes is to have people hear your voice and, here I am, trying to do the same.

I will mostly be focusing on TBK from now on unless sudden muse strikes me (like Far Far Away and Spiral's Dyad10).

Certainly, I will never, ever abandon my K-ON fanfics. I've invested too much effort to just drop them. However, please understand that I will need some time before I can pick up the pen again and certainly, I want to know more about this imposter first. I'm only making this statement so people won't be speculating and thinking I just vanished.


If you're reading this, Imposter person, please stop what you've been doing, and contact me directly.

I truly appreciate everyone's supports. I hope the fanfics I've written had inspired people positively at least, that it's done more good than harm. I'm grateful of everyone who's encouraged me. And for anyone I unintentionally dragged into this mess, I'm sorry.

Remember, the main point of this journal is to:
1) Express my overall feelings
2) The Imposter
3) Reason for my hiatus


~AdrenaVeris